The Word of Caine
Does Matthew McConaughey own a shirt?
This is the word of Caine.
Praise be to Caine.
July 18, 2008 | Comments:(0) | Trackbacks:(0)July 16, 2008
The Word of Caine
Billy Ocean was right... when the going gets tough, the tough get going.
This is the word of Caine.
Praise be to Caine.
July 16, 2008 | Comments:(4) | Trackbacks:(0)June 13, 2008
REVIEW: Dante's Peak
LOCATION, CONVENIENCE & COMFORT! !!! Live the good life in the beautiful town of Dante's Peak. Custom home, with 4 Bedrooms, 2.5 Baths, Central Air Conditioning, a large Deck, great storage space, and a yard that's just right for entertaining and family fun! It's charm reflects quality care throughout and certainly a comfortable style of living. Oh and by the way, it's located at the base of A FUCKING VOLCANO!
Dante's Peak is your typical 90's disaster flick that glorifies our destruction at the hands of mother nature. In this case a volcano. The greatest aspect of these films, are the local denizens who provide a never-ending supply of stupidity, and of course primarily to pad the body-count.
Dante's Peak starts off by introducing us to a pre-James Bond, Pierce Brosnan (who for the record is easily the third best James Bond) who plays volcanologist Harry Dalton (no relation to James Dalton... bouncer of the Double Deuce played by the world reknowned and well oiled Patrick Swayze in Road House). The opening of this epic shows us Dalton along with his wife fleeing an eruption, establishing right off the bat that he is serious about his craft. So is his wife, at least for a few minutes until a volcanic rock crashes through the roof of their car, and crushes her skull. The remainder of the opening credits show Brosnan trying to re-enact the Stallone "Don't die Micky" scene from Rocky III.
Years later, Dalton arrives at Dante's Peak with a tune on his lips and a kick in his step. Just kidding he's a dark, brooding asshole, and all he sees are dead people at the bottom of a volcano. While everyone tries to brush off his warnings, call him paranoid, crazy, impatient... the one thing they forget to call him is absolutely right. Here's the conversation between the town council, Harry Dalton, and his boss Paul Dreyfus:
Council: "Do we have a volcano problem?"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "Ok I guess not."
Paul: "There you go... now we're just gonna go camping on your mountain for fun... and bring a few million dollars worth of seismic equipment with us."
Council: "Ok great. Let's discuss the Bake Sale!"
Now most of us with common sense, would never purchase a home within the vicinity of volcano. Now for the rest of you retards, (and I'm speaking to anyone who willingly voted to have George W. Bush run this country for another 4 years), here are a few simple rules to follow:
Rule #1. If you live in a town that is conveniently located on the side of a volcano, and a group scientists show up to study the volcano. LEAVE!!!! What the fuck?! Don't get me wrong, their wouldn't be a film without morons like these, but holy shit, do you have to wait until your family is on fire to seriously consider evacuation?
Rule #2. Ok so a group of volcano experts hanging out in your town, studying your 'volcano', getting shitfaced in your bar, rapping about the last town that mother nature took a shit on isn't enough to raise your level of concern, here are a few other warning signs:
Rule 2a. When the natural hot springs spa poaches a pair of naked tourists to death.... you might have a volcano.
Rule 2b. When wildlife starts to come down with a slight case of death, and it's not due to the business end of a hunting rifle or the heavy duty steel radials on the ridiculously over-sized pick up truck that you fucking red-necks (and Ryan) consider standard accessories.... you might have a volcano.
Rule 2c. When the drinking water that flows from your faucet tastes like shit (people of Gloucester, Massachussetts please disregard this rule, as everyone and everything in your town looks, smells, and tastes like shit... on second thought, perhaps you should evacuate?).... you might have a volcano.
Rule #3. Don't make any attempts to rescue the stubborn senior citizen who is too proud to leave the home they built and lived in for the last half century. Fuck'em. Instead of one asshole dying, who in all honesty, had it not been for the volcano would have been supporting the fertilizer industry in the near future anway, you risk the lives of how many? Why? The old prune wants to suffer an agonizing death while bathing in molten rock... go for it bitch. Remember just prior to Mt. St. Helens erupting, there was an actual guy who refused to leave his home in spite of repeated warnings? No? Don't worry no one else does either. Way to immortalize yourself as the nameless old jackass who pissed his life away. I digress.
Rule #4. When a volcano expert tells you not to get into a helicopter during an eruption... take that very valuable advice and follow it. Unfortunately this helicopter crash didn't have the typical two civilians hanging off of the struts (the ones that eventually plunge to their deaths, but not before bringing down the entire aircraft due to a weight overload... how unselfish of them.... but generous for us!) but it is loaded to the brim with a bunch of rich assholes seeking to avoid bridge traffic... way to go boys, you beat the rush hour commute.
Rule #5. This perhaps the most important of all the rules. When considering a real estate purchase, try and find a home that isn't constructed on a mountain named after Satan's cock? Hmmmmm? Now, I'm sure the real estate agent will try and wooh and wow you with the price, and assuage your fears by telling you not to worry because the volcano is dormant. Dormant implies that it was once active. Guess what ass. Right now my car is dormant. It will become active again when I start it up.
Dante's Peak follows the disaster movie template to the letter. Little to no character development and completely devoid of story (stubborn townies, conflicting professionals, retards, and even a forced romance). Minimal direction (in most cases these movies have no need for a director, unless the crew needs someone to make a coffee run). The star of the movie is a mountain. If it wasn't for the actors, this movie would be 20 minutes long (and I"m being incredibly generous there). When Dante's Peak does finally erupt the movie turns somewhat good. Great effects. Great destruction. The characters that pissed you off all movie die (except Brosnan). What's not to love?
Grab your remote, jump to the eruption scene on your dvd, sit back, and enjoy. Then get up a few minutes later and watch something else.
Hamlin Grade: 4
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
May 14, 2008
Review: Hostel - Part II
With a franchise such as Hostel, there are two ways of looking at it. On one hand it remains one of the very few horror movies and series to remain blood-drenched and hardcore in its R rated gore. On the other hand though this movie suffers from the same problem that made the first one so damn dull. The movie is all freakshow and no tension. Eli Roth seems to think that the only secret to horror is to basically show tons of gore, people being tortured, some nudity and indeed nothing else. For me this isn't the recipe for good horror. Indeed i've seen I Spit On Your Grave, Last House On The Left, Salo:Or 125 Days Of Sodom and Bloodsucking Freaks. Those movies are far more disturbing, disgusting and horrifying than anything in this lame franchise. (Though that's not a recommendation, Last House On The Left is the only one to rise above its sleaze factor and even then it's not for everyone.)
So the difference between this and the first movie, is that this time we get to see women tortured as opposed to men and I guess that teenage girls who are easily scared by the PG-13 remake out in theaters will be absoluately horrified. For me though? Not so much.
The movie of course revolves around three rich heiresses who unwisely take a detour to that infamous hotel where already people are bidding on who they can torture. (Were apparently supposed to be shocked that the wealthy are so casual about their bidding, which to me was far too obvious.) At least this time the explanation is more credible this time, as the one dangling the carrot tells our three girls that it's a spa that makes them feel heavenly. I mean it's not much but at least our heroines aren't dumb enough to believe that such a place would be a bigger party town than Amsterdam. Plus being these are rich girls, it makes sense that high maintence women would go to a place where they can get makeovers, soak in a spa and piss away money they inherited. Of course one would imagine that women this wealthy would have had hundreds of spa encounters over the years but I digress.
The movie is basically a long drawn out situation that basically lingers on the fact that our heroes don't seem to pick up on the obvious, (Two of my friends have disappeared, maybe I should get the fuck out of there!) and the movie basically goes from one predictable plot point to the next. It's basically playing on the fact that we will be horrified by the gore and that will be enough. Sadly unaware that without characters to care about, suspense in how our characters end up in such a grisly situation and villains that are more than just cardboard, the movie fails to deliver.
Also the biggest problem is, what's the point? I mean what is the message here? Is it that the rich are evil bastards (Obvious truth), That the europeans are fucked up with weird fetishes (Obvious) and that American timid nerd-like rejects go to feed their misogynist impulses due to the censorship of a politically correct society won't let them even make a sexist or racist joke? (Obvious once again.) That ripping of Friday The 13th Part 2's plot point is a good idea? That it would hurt like a motherfucker to have your cock cut off? Who cares?
The movie in its favor does sort of give us a tiny glimpse at the people behind the torture houses and that is easily the film's most interesting moments. I mean seriously ask yourself, what is scarier? Seeing rich, pretty women get butchered by people that are psychotic? Or someone who actually would go to such a house and torture women because of their sexual hangups or indeed anyone who would go into business to kill anonymous people because it paid well. Right there is potential for a truly frightening movie. However the movie is predictable boredom with unpleasant torture. Which in my mind isn't much of a movie.
I also want to note i'm not at all offended by this movie, it's genre or indeed the aspect of blood and guts. Rather i'm derailing this movie for the way it has nothing beyond its gore to recommend it. For a viewer who has seen everything this is all sleep inducing. Indeed the public outcry and controversy is lame since this is granting this movie power it doesn't have. I mean so a woman cuts up another woman and bathes into her blood. Big deal.
I however wanted to learn why such a woman would want to do such, why a man got his sexual hangups and indeed why someone would make such a torture house. I would also like to know why people think this movie is so disturbing and intense when in reality it's neither. It's also not entertaining either.
Hamlin Grade: 2.5
Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer
April 02, 2008
REVIEW: Hollow Man 2
Christian Slater is a genius.
If Hollow Man 2 had a subtitle, it would have been "Christian Slater makes an ass-load of money for 5 minutes worth of work".
Not since No Retreat. No Surrender. have I seen such blatant exploitation of an actor's marketability (i know that is a stretch for both Slater and Van Damme) for a minimal amount of screen time. Slater appears in Hollow Man 2 for little more than 5 minutes of this film, in two separate scenes. After that the rest of the movie is his voiceover. Even on the making of Hollow Man 2 (yes I sat threw the special features... Bad Movie Knight Note: The 'Making Of's" or "Bonus Materials" on some of these gems are even funnier than the shitty movie themselves. Is there anything better than listening to a group of untalented assholes talk about how they made a horribly unwatchable piece of crap film? Certainly not!) there is a guy wrapped up in typical Invisible Man garb (face wrapped, sunglasses, gloves) with Slater's voiceover. I don't think he even spent the time to sit through the special edition, so he voiced it in! How great is that. Again. Slater = genius.
Hollow Man 2, attemptes to take off from where the original left off, which is to say, the main character is invisible, and typical of all transparent man, he's an asshole. No origins or genesis set-ups in the sequel however as we jump right into the action and see (or dont see rather) Christian Slater's character, Michael Griffin attacking an intoxicated man at a black tie affair. The attack is the bench mark for special effects in this film as we see a guy essentially throw himself around a room ala Bruce Campbell in the Evil Dead (which was top notch for the record). Griffin carries the man into a bathroom and attempts to glean information from him through force. The intelligence he is attempting to gather is how to obtain a medication that keeps our invisible friend from dying. Griffin learns that he can obtain the formula from Dr. Maggie Dalton, and quickly dispatches the drunk by slashing his throat with a cell phone chip... huh?
The police act rapidly to stop Griffin, by sending a capable pair of officers to the residence of Dr. Dalton to protect her from Griffin. Detective Frank Turner (played by Peter Facinelli... I've seen this dude around before, he kinda looks like a cross between Tom Cruise and that dork turned bad-ass driver in Christine) and his partner (her name is irrelevant, as I have no idea who she is, and more importantly dies 3 minutes into this gem) are on a stakeout / mission to serve and protect. Griffin shows up, and is unsuccessful in his bid to capture the doctor, but doesn't leave her home without killing the female detective. Her death turns into the standard plot point that drives all of these shitty bad movies.
"He killed my partner. It's personal now!"
Insert the plot from Terminator here. The remainder of Hollow Man 2 is Griffin hunting down Turner and Dr. Dalton. I shit you not. After several failed attempts, Griffin finally captures the doctor and forces her to recreate the medication he needs to survive. Unbeknownst to him Detective Turner got a hold of the invisibility formula and decides to use it on himself to battle Griffin. THis for the record is the dumbest part of the movie. How does turning invisible help you fight a guy who is invisible? You still can't see him jackass. That's like firefighters showing up to a four alarm call with flame throwers.
In any case, Turner and Griffin do battle in an action packed finale. Griffin is tricked by the good Doctor however, and rather than receiving his medication was dosed with rat poison (available in most medical laboratories by the way).... and in case you didn't know.... rat poison makes you visible. Yes! We finally get to see Slater! He actually is in this film (he did appear briefly in the beginning of the film, when they showed him receiving the iinital injection to become invisible. Turner's invisiblity final proves worth something, and after exchanging blows, he cuts off his head with a shovel.... the only way to kill an invisible man.
Hollow Man 2 is a bad movie, but not as bad as I would have hoped. It's somewhat entertaining, and as much as his career has fallen apart, Slater can still act. Everyone else in this movie... not so much. The 'Making of Hollow Man 2' in the special features section is outstanding however, and is a must see. Get it see?! See! Invisible? I'm here all week!
Hamlin Grade: 4
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
March 12, 2008
REVIEW: Beowulf
Beowulf. Sounds like the name for some unnatural sex act a Brit would order while visiting a downtown Berlin leather bar.
"Cheerio mate, I'll have me a Beowulf!"
"Would you like shit in the mouth with that sir?"
"Would I! Soil me like a set of unbrushed dentures lad!"
"Right away sir!"
"Top Notch! TOP NOTCH I SAY!"
So what is Beowulf really? Beowulf is a giant German queen that enjoys shitting in the open mouths of English queens!
Ok seriously. Beowulf, is one of the earliest tales ever written. The original sword and sorcerery fantasy (not counting the Bible of course) that weaves a yarn about a legendary warrior, called on to save a Kingdom from a monster named Grendel. The story is actually half-way decent (I'm referring to the written work in this case), if you can manage to get past the Old-English it's written in.... man you guys talked like douches back in the day.
Director Robert Zemeckis, chose to bring the story of Beowulf to life through animation rather than live-action. An unusual tactic, but with the state of computer graphics being what they are these days, perhaps he could pull it off (after all he did bring us never-ending joy through the on-going adventures of Marty McFly in the Back to the Future trilogy).... or perhaps not.
While the CGI in Beowulf is pretty good, it's still a bit off. What really confuses me, is why spend all the time and money to create this feature through animation, if you were going to make the animated characters look exactly like the individuals that were providing the voiceover. Beowulf sports an impressive cast as well. SIr Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Robin Wright Penn, Angelina Jolie and Brendan Gleeson (he played Hamish, the giant red headed fella in Braveheart, who tossed rocks at Mel Gibson..... unfortunately for us, he stopped). Amazing actors all that provide ample support for the star of this film.... Ray Winstone. Huh? Yeah, let that sink in real good for a minute.
Who the fuck is Ray Winstone? That is the million dollar question. We may never know, however I will let you know what Mr. Winstone isn't. A competent actor, who's career is largely one of voiceover work, and is unable to command the presence necessary to stand side by side with an Anthony Hopkins or John Malkovich, nor is he able to carry a film as the leading role. In Beowulf, Winstone is terrible. Wooden, stiff, unemotional. Yes there are those who would say this personified the character Beowulf, and his true nature, but you are assuming that Winstone made these choices. I think rather this was all he could muster in his limited acting abilities.
You would think I would pan this film for such a casting choice, but rather that do so, I celebrate. Beowulf is borderline bad movie magic. One shitty actor, surrounded by amazing actors. Can you do better than that? Yes you can, because the acting of Beowulf was so poor, that the animators actually had to animate the character to match the thespians skills (or lack thereof) as well. Brilliant. Just brilliant!
The animation in Beowulf is really top notch. Aside from the intial wierdness at seeing famous actors as video game characters in medieval clothing, it's an entertaining film. Throw in the lead actors shitty acting and an awesome battle scene with a giant dragon (which they stole directly from the Bible... remember when Jesus slayed the dragon and saved the Jews?) and you have a bad movie worthy of your viewing.
Hamlin Grade: 6
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
March 10, 2008
Shooting the Shit with Shat
The Best Bad Movie Lines EVER.
When an amazingly gifted writer scripts a near perfect collection of words, and they are delivered by an actor of the same level of skill as the aforementioned scribe.... we are blessed with an epic movie quote. These cinematic lines, regardless of their length, often become larger than the movie they appeared in, and resonate for decades.
The same can be said for the Bad Movie Line. The exact opposite of the above. Take a horrible writer, have that individual scribble an unreadable and grammatically imperfect sentence then hand it off to an actor unworthy of starring in a Romanian snuff film and you get.... perfection.... but of a different sort. You see, sometimes the stars and moon align, and give us something uniquely special. I myself have been fortunate enough to forge a few epic lines.... and countless bad movie lines, thus I deem myself an expert. That being said, I nominate the following bad movie lines as a few of the greatest of all time.
"So. It is you. The son. Is it not?"
No Retreat, No Surrender
I could have taken any line from this classic and thrown it against the wall and it would have stuck like a corn-riddled dump. No Retreat, No Surrender is Hollywood magic at it's finest, even though it was filmed in a shitty little suburb of Seattle. The marketing for this film is brilliant. Jean Claude Van-Damme as the star. Like I said brilliant. One small flaw in that plan. Van-Damme is hardly in this film. If you get up to take a piss while watching it, you will miss him. However if you are able to sustain that desire, you will hear Van Damme's epic quotation. Actually it is Van Damme's only line in the feature. Barely able to speak English, he takes a break from kicking the shit out of a teenager to deliver his bad movie rhetoric.... "So. It is you. The son. Is it not?" It's difficult for me to cast aspersions at Van Damme because I probably couldn't have spoken that line much better myself. If anything I would have added a few more pauses.... for dramatic effect.
"What does God want with a starship?"
Star Trek IV: The Final Frontier
What list that celebrates bad movie lines would be complete without one of my legendary utterances? This line of course has a special place in my cholestrol clogged heart as the film it appeared in was my directorial debut..... it also slammed the coffin closed on that chapter of my professional career as I was never allowed to sit in the director's chair again.... but who need's that seat when you command a Starfleet Vessel? Exactly. In any case, this bad movie line is when yours truly threw down his verbal chops and debated God, or what we thought was God. If not for a sizeable pair of nuggets swinging between the shaven thighs of one Captain Kirk, the Enterprise and all hope would have been lost. "What does God want with a starship?" What indeed.
"SLAVES are made in such ways!"
Braveheart
Yes even the defender of the Jewish faith, Mel Gibson drops a bad movie line from time to time. Granted, not all bad movie lines appear in bad movies, or are delivered by bad actors. On occassion one of these gems get's past everyone. Fortunately, Mel directed Braveheart and naturally assumed that all his lines were beyond criticism, or revision and we couldn't agree more. During a lovely tent scene with the future Queen of England, a negotiation has gone sour with William Wallace (Gibson). The Princess offers Wallace gold, and titles, and declares that "Peace is made in such ways", to which Wallace retorts sharply "Slaves are made in such ways!" If only he had reviewed his dailys a second time and seen how ridiculously over the top he shoved that line down the audience's throats we wouldn't be here now. Thankfully, Mel's ego came through for us.
"Turn your key sir! Turn your missile key now sir!"
War Games
Ahhh the threat of Nuclear War! Remember the 80's when doom was just around the corner? War Games was one of many films that tried to cash in on our fear by giving us a 'what if' glimpse at World War III. Nestled within War Games is a beauty of bad movie line, that appears in the opening minutes of the film. Deep within an underground missile silo, to military men, sit at the controls of a nuclear arsenal, when all hell breaks loose. Flashing sirens and bells alert the men that it's time to launch some rockets (thank you Nick Cage! bad movie line from Con Air.... tons within that piece of shit by the way)! In order to successfully launch a nuclear weapon (this information has been gleaned from countless years of acting), two men must simultaneously turn an ignition key to effect the start of World War 3. At the moment of truth the elder silo occupant is having second thoughts about bringing about the end of the world... of course the younger douche bag is all to happy to accomodate his superiors. The young man in this instance is Michael Madsen, appearing in his first ever Hollywood feature. He draws his side arm and levels at his partner while announcing..."Turn your key sir! Turn your missile key now sir!" Brilliance.... it's no wonder Madsen has achieved such greatness.
"How about I take you home and eat your pussy?"
Shark Attack III - Megaladon
This movie is so bad, I'm still shocked I wasn't in it. Imagine the movie Jaws, if you will, without the story, plot, direction, cinematography, special effects (yes I know, this film arrived some 20 years later and still can't compete in this department) and most importantly, actors. The writing is horrible. The actors are worse. Put them together.... and magic. Essentially a resort community is under seige by a prehistoric shark called a Megaladon and it is up to a local sheriff (heard that one before, god speed Roy), an old asshole in a wet-suit that drives a submarine, and some whore who fancies herself a National Geographic Reporter. The trio join forces, but it's the duo of the sheriff and whore that bring us bad movie gold. A relationship that has been brewing for close to 60 minutes is finally consummated on the wings of a pick-up line, so out of line, I doubt even a sexual ninja such as myself could pull it off. The sheriff announces "How about I take you home and I eat your pussy?" Now on planet earth, such a question would be followed up with a slap across the face, and a strike to the groin.... but not in the world of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. A pussy is in fact dined upon (actually we are expected to suspend disbelief here as this bad movie line is followed by one of the most tepid love scenes I have ever witnessed). Let's be honest here, you pull off a gem like that, the only thing that should follow is non-stop, hardcore sex, with farm tools, pirates, and a wheel barrow full of STP High Viscosity Motor Oil.... and a wet-nap.
"This is my church."
Some Kind of Wonderful
Before he made the transition to cool, Jesus-looking, drug dealer, Eric Stolz was often cast as the geek, or social outcast in films. In Some Kind of Wonderful, he played... an asshole for lack of better description, who was in love with the hottest chick in school, and decided to use his artistic prowess to paint a picture of her.... and upon her viewing of it her panties would disintegrate and her vagina would jump directly on to his orange speckled, alabaster meat sword. His best friend is also an artistic asshole, a musician, and she is madly in love with Stolz.... but the dumb cunt never speaks up.... so no penis for you. I digress. This movie is a painful piece of shit, and should of been titled Some Kind of Awful, but the final moments of the film, Stolz delivers this award winning line. Walking through a museum with the hot chick at school late at night (this is step one of the panties removal plan) and while tourning the moonlit art, he utters to her "This is my church." It still sends chills up my spine, and through my hair implants.
