REVIEW: Rocky IV
Rocky Balboa.
He is all things to all people. Hero. Scourge. Punching bag. Chicken wrangler. Beloved pupil. Doting father. He even tries his hand as a lumberjack. Rocky is an everyman, a lover AND a fighter. Friend to animals, robots, angry Soviets, even black people.
Those wise old sayings people attribute to Jesus? He got those from Rocky.
Let's get this out of the way right now. Rocky IV is the greatest movie of all time. This is not just opinion here. It is scientific fact. The movie has been proven to increase testosterone levels up to 355% in any human or animal that watches it. (This is potentially an unfortunate side-effect for any female forced to watch but really, if she has to be forced to watch Rocky IV doesn't she deserve whatever the fates decree?)
The movie, like it's namesake, is a multifaceted work of art. Don't let all those pansy, socialists film critics get it twisted. Rocky IV has a little bit of everything. It is simultaneously a sports film, a romance (um, I guess) a revenge tale, a meditation on geopolitics during the height of the Cold War, a comedy (those Russian accents are funny) Hell, it even plays like a musical set to the defiant, spirit-lifting tunes of uh, Survivor and um, a few other guys.
Simply put, this movie kicks ass. More precisely it dons a pair of red, white and blue boxing gloves and beats the ass which is normally kicked into a swollen, bloody pulp while the crowd goes wild and Pat chants "Dolph! Dolph!" (even though Dolph is the one who gets his ass beat in the finale)
Our story begins -as so many did in the blissful eighties- with those evil Russians daring to tread upon American soil, this time with the intent of beating up one of our African-American citizens (a task normally relegated to cops... and Rocky) in front of an internationally televised audience.
Enter Apollo Creed. Apollo is about four parts Muhammed Ali and...wait. Add another eight parts (but leave out all the rhyming and boxing skills) Anyhow Apollo agrees to an exhibition fight between himself and the monstrous Ivan Drago. He does so against the sage advice of Rocky, who feels that Apollo is a little too far past his prime to take on the mysterious Russian, but nevertheless agrees to serve as the Count of Monte Fisto's ring man.
The fight gets out of hand early and Apollo suffers a royal ass-beating from the machine-like Drago, who reduces him to a staggering pile of jello in just one round. Rocky refrains from forfeiting in the second round (even though Apollo's face resembles a bloody, ruptured football at that point) and in so doing throws the towel in on Apollo's life instead. Oh well. The King of Sting dies in Rocky's arms and - oh shit! Now it's on Russian!
After being told by his bitch wife Adrian that there's no way he can hang with Drago in the ring and that he should basically just bend over and take it from the godless Communists Rocky travels to Russia where he chops wood and runs through the snow while Drago works out on state of the art equipment and shoots state of the art steroids (sneaky Russian) One of the greatest training montages in the history of inspirational sports films builds up to a savage final confrontation inside the boxing ring where Rocky is faced with the daunting task of going toe to toe with Drago in front of a hostile Russian audience who shout (presumably. i don't speak Russian.) not very nice things at him. Even the Soviet Premiere is on hand for this important moment because, as we all know, nothing lends credence to your political ideology like having one of your native sons put a serious ass-whipping on a member of the enemy's citizenry.
So what we get follows the tradition of pretty much every Rocky fight, with the exception of his first fight with Clubber Lang (where he got his ass handed to him in fairly short order) that being a grueling fifteen round slugfest in which the art of blocking the opponents punch is conspicuously absent. Unless you count blocking with your face. Rocky excels at this strategy.
In the end Balboa triumphs over Drago and in so doing proves to the (former) Soviet Union and the rest of the world that not only is barbaric savagery a viable solution to cultural and ideological differences, but that the USA is the undisputed King in this regard. There's some business after the fight about how we can all change and, you know, i guess come together and stuff but by that point in the movie you're so jacked you can't sit still anymore. You feel invigorated. Inspired. You've just felt the rekindling of those old dusty dreams that once seemed down for the count.
And if you're like me that means you're ready to get back to work forming that dance troupe for the Rocky IV musical that you and Pat have been talking about...
I'm with you Pat... no matter what.
No matter what?
No matter what.
DRRRAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Hamlin Grade:5
Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey
December 13, 2010
REVIEW: Watchmen
The greatest superhero film ever made delicately nestled within a Homophobia Detector. Fear the blue cock!
Hamlin Grade:8
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
December 08, 2010
REVIEW: Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire
The Blind Side minus the rich white family and the NFL Contract.
Hamlin Grade:4
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
December 07, 2010
REVIEW: Contact
Completely unrealistic and unbelievable. No way Jodie Foster would be able to bag a piece like McConaughey.
I know the above clip has nothing to do with Contact, but at least it's entertaining. Praise be to Van Damme.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
December 06, 2010
REVIEW: The Walking Dead: Season One
"When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth..." a wise gentleman in a film once said. And when there's no more room on the silver screen for the oversaturated zombie genre, the dead will begin to shamble across cable television every Sunday night.
AMC's The Walking Dead is all the rage for some reason, and I'll be damned if I can come up with a good one except maybe it possesses the novelty of displaying a fairly high amount of gore and graphic violence -a staple of all zombie classics- on network tv.
When I heard this show was being developed by AMC I was pretty intrigued. I knew it was based upon a popular series of comics, and while I hadn't read them I am a self-professed comic geek. Add to this a fondness for good zombie movies and, suffice it to say, I was at least a little curious. Could this show live up to the standard set for it by the masters like Argento, or Fulcci? Furthermore, could it add anything new to a genre that even it's godfather George Romero seems to have beaten into the ground like a putrid corpse?
The answer? In a word...nope.
I know there are alot of people who've never seen an actual zombie film that probably think this show is the shit. There are also countless fanboys who would doubtlessly love to swarm me like an undead horde and rip me limb from limb for daring to criticize it. To all of the above I say this: EAT A DICK.
It's really not embarrassingly awful. Nor do I think it's a disaster beyond salvaging but to be truthful about it The Walking Dead -at least season one- is just kinda lame.
I'll give the show it's due first. I am pleasantly suprised with the amount of gore the network has allowed. And the show sets itself up to be really fucking hardcore in it's opening episode. I mean how could I not get excited watching the lead character shoot a 6 year old zombie girl right through the head in the first five minutes of the pilot? (I'm really not trying to be ironic about that. It was pretty awesome.) That let's you know you're entering a world of shit. There's also a badass guest appearance by Michael Rooker as a beligerent, white-trash-racist-asshole (kinda redundant I know) in the second episode. Rooker's performance is so head and shoulders above the acting that takes place during the rest of the first season that to say he pulled off the Ironside Agenda would be an embarassing overstatement. It would also imply the presence of other actors around him. And therein lies the real problem with the show to this point.
The central character is played by some British dickhead who apparently practiced his southern accent while studying Jeff fucking Foxworthy or watching Young Guns I and II. And the rest of the cast looks as if the bulk of their experience came in bit parts for dish detergent commercials. Note to AMC: if you're gonna make a show about a zombie apocalypse, YOU MIGHT WANNA HIRE ACTORS WHO ARE ACTUALLY ALIVE TO PLAY THE LIVING!
With that out of the way let me also complain about the "LOST-esque" nature of the story and it's progression. People basically just run back and forth between two locations with alot of whining and the occasional zombie confrontation thrown in. Wowee! What fun! I have always wanted to see a cluster of bitchy, confused people run to and fro between Atlanta and it's rural suburbs!
If that doesn't reek enough of LOST to you then there's the whole "woman torn between two lovers" thing. Jeezus. I guess this is AMC's strategy to get chicks in on the deal. Note #2 to AMC: YOU CAN'T TURN THE ZOMBIE HOLOCAUST INTO FUCKING LEGENDS OF THE FALL! This transgression is made all the worse by the fact that the woman in question has all the charisma of a sock puppet.
The season ends -lamely- with the survivors finding some kind of underground disease control center reminiscent of the hatch in -yep- LOST. It even comes complete with a cynical curmudgeon who despairs of life and wonders if going through the motions of his existence serves any purpose at all. Yeah that part sounds kinda familiar too doesn't it? In fact if LOST hadn't turned out to be a hideous six season-long joke I'd say J.J. Abrams and those other two assholes were owed a check.
I know I've been pretty rough on the show here. But hey, tearing other people and their efforts down makes me feel better about my life. And like I said earlier, I don't think it's a completely failed experiment. I'm sure AMC will spend more money for the next season, which hopefully means more locations, more interesting characters, and more Michael Rooker. In the meantime you can sate yourself with reruns of a season that was just...meh.
I'm not even gonna bless/burden it with any Hamlins. Instead I've chosen a more appropriate symbol for my feelings on the show's initial season: one confused looking "Bub" from George Romero's Day of the Dead.
Take it or leave it.
Hamlin Grade: one Bub
Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey
REVIEW: The Human Centipede
The Discovery Channel meets the Food Network in this contemporary Horror masterpiece. Dieter Laser's acting is so convincing, I'm certain he tortures small forest creatures and steals from children charities. Watch this movie, it will fuck you up.
Hamlin Grade: 8
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
October 26, 2010
REVIEW: Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness
In space there is no daylight.
Thus reads the tag line for Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness. Think about that for a moment... Done? Good.
I was raised religiously and as a young child I fervently believed in a higher power. Somewhere along the way I lost my faith. But alas, my belief has been restored. That's right, I now know that there is a god. And he is one evil bastard. And the proof of his existence is Dracula 3000. Only the influence of a truly malevolent entity can explain how such an atrocity as this film could come into fruition.
Before I get into the "story" here's a list of things we've grown accustomed to in our daily lives which you'll be glad to know have survived into the third millennium.
racial stereotypes
pool cues
water bongs
paraplegics
metal lockers like the kind you used in high school
the student lounge from Saved By the Bell
wooden coffins
guns that fire regular bullets as opposed to laser beams
complete idiocy in the face of mortal danger
Tiny Lister's fucked-up eye
Dracula 3000 as you've probably guessed by now follows the time-tested and repeatedly disastrous method of placing a classic movie-monster in a futuristic time and setting, i.e. space circa 3000 ad. The results are pretty much what we've come to expect from these films but I dare say this one stands atop the crap heap. This movie might be the Troll 2 of the new millennium. No joke. It is an utter and complete clusterfuck.
Our so-called story takes place in deep space - the Carpathian system to be precise. Right now if you're familiar with Dracula lore at all you're probably thinking "Carpathian? Wait, that's the name of the mountains from Bram Stoker's novel. Please tell me they're not..." Oh they are. They very, very are. It seems somewhere along the way writer/director Darrell Roodt decided it would be clever to refer to the original novel when naming characters, locations, etc. In keeping with this lame formula our hero is named Captain Abraham Van Helsing. (It seems the name "Abraham" has survived into the year 3000 as well) Van Helsing, played by Casper Van Dien - this should be the first sign the movie is about to suck it hard - is the captain of the deep space salvage vessel Mother III. He and his crew are following up on a tip about a derelict cargo ship named -jesus- The Demeter. I think you know where this is headed. Van Helsing's crew includes former Baywatch star and Playboy Bunny Erika Eleniak as the vivacious Aurora Ash, Alexandra Kamp who also appreared on the cover of Playboy (albeit the less prestigious German edition) as Mina Murry, Tiny Lister and Coolio as Humvee and 187 respectfully (yeah you read those names right) and some guy named Grant Swanby as a wheelchair bound nerd.
All of the performances in the movie are god-fuck-awful (although a special guest appearance by Udo Kier earns him the Ironside Agenda -just barely edging out Erika Eleniak's tits -and the wheelchair guy seemed to be playing his part as if he believed it was something he'd actually want on his resume) and if you thought Coolio was lame as a rapper, wait until you see his acting. His performance when he's in full vampire mode rivals the worst acting I've ever seen. And that includes the films of Matthew McConaughey.
Speaking of vampires, I've neglected to talk about the prince of infinite darkness himself. that's probably because I can't think of a good way to convey to you how laughable and ridiculous this incarnation of the character is. Instead of some suped-up cybernetic or alien version of Dracula that keeps with the futuristic motif what we get is the same, prissy, cape-wearing count. Let's get this straight. Your idea is to take one of the most beloved horror icons in the history of cinema, place him on board a high-tech spacecraft in the future, and you make him look the same as he did in the fucking nineteenth century? You'll really be howling when you learn that the Count hails from the planet of Transylvania.
And this movie was actually made! Somewhere Ed Wood and Bella Lugosi are either whooping it up or weeping inconsolably.
Eventually Van Helsing learns from the Demeter's computer that he is the descendant of the legendary vampire killer. Ya know, the one from the novel. This revelation serves absolutely no purpose at all. It only makes the story more silly if that's possible. So a vampire named Dracula actually walked the earth in the 19th century and somehow mankind has managed to forget about the existence of vampires completely while simultaneously having a database of their history? And the earth vampire was just coincidentally named Count Dracula just like the Dracula on the spaceship? Or is it the same Dracula? Was the Dracula just a test run for a large-scale invasion by multiple Draculas? Did they abort the mission because we had too large a supply of garlic and trees?
How the fuck was this movie made? I mean I can tell from watching it that the budget (not counting Erika Eleniak's tits) was about five hundred bucks, but still those are perfectly good American dollars. There are starving children in the world. People living on the streets. I don't even know how to talk about this. I'm getting drunk. I paid money for this movie. I need help...
So there you have it. This movie sucks. And as we all know, that accolade is not given lightly around here. This piece of shit belongs right up there with Troll 2 and Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. Examine any aspect of the film if that pronouncement sounds like an exaggeration: acting, plot, the stupid Dracula costume, the fact that the movie's ending comes so abruptly we're left with the distinct impression the people who financed it got a look at the unfinished product and decided not to continue throwing money up a wild hog's ass and mercifully put the kibosh on this miserable failure, and that the actors appeared all too eager to comply...
...with one exception. The strange case of Coolio. He seemed to really relish this role. Never has an actor been given so little in terms of character and dialogue, and turned it into so much less. Take if you will the following exchange between 187 (Coolio) and Aurora (Eleniak):
Eleniak: "Hey...shit for brains...don't move... I said don't move!"
Coolio: "Aurora, baby it's so nice to see you! Did I ever tell you how many times I see you and...want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas?"
And as bad as that probably sounds in your head right now Coolio makes it sound sooo much worse on the screen. Just one more reason why I am bestowing the ultimate Hamlin rating upon this abomination.
Infinite darkness indeed...
Hamlin Grade:10
Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey
