REVIEW: Halloween II
Authors Note: While attempting to write a review of Rob Zombie's disasterous sequel to his equally disastrous 2007 miscarriage Halloween, I was subject to a series of bizarre dreams and hallucinations. These experiences were sparse in ocurrence and faint in effect at first, so I simply chalked them up as the result of a healthy alcohol diet,combined with the lingering effects of drug experimentation from my college years. But soon the images became more frequent and intense until I found myself wandering through desolate fields at twighlight following a bearded man in a white dress. He resembled a young Jerry Garcia or maybe Al Jourgensen in drag. And he spoke terrible and perverse things to me.
After dispelling the notion that I had been drugged and seduced to the woods by some deluded whino in heat, I became consumed with the notion that someone - or something - was attempting to possess my very body, mind and soul; to speak through me. What follows is a brief journal excerpt in which I managed to document the revelation I received from this dark, malevolent force.
My name is Robert B. Zombie. And I am a genius. In fast I might be the most geniusest genius to ever walk this earth and certainly the most geniusest to ever make a movie. I also make music. Remember that song "More Human That Human"? The one with the awesome slide riff? Yeah that was me. My slutty-looking wife's name is Sherri Moon Zombie and although she's not a genius like me she is a respectable piece of ass and the greatest actress in the world. That's the kind of tail you can pull when you're a genius, or in a band.
I have just completed my epic reimagining of the horror classic "Halloween" which took two parts to realize and -like my music- made me all kinds of teenage money. I don't mind telling you that my genius has made me filthy rich. And my Halloween films are clearly superior to the John Carpenter ones that came before. They were all like, build up and tension. Not enough stabbing. Worse yet, they didn't even explain why this dude in the mask went around totally shredding hot babes and their geeky boyfriends. And so one day while swimming with Sheri through our giant piles of money I had my genius idea to remake that movie and explain why the little Myers kid was all fucked up. This gave me a chance to display my geniusy film making skills, which I had already perfected in "House of 1,000 Corpses" and "The Devil's Rejects."
Can you believe some people thought it was wrong of me to show Michael's backstory? My Halloween didn't even get any Academy Awards; not even one for Sheri who clearly should've gotten the nod for Best Actress. What total fucks! Most people don't understand genius, but alot of the ones that do left their trailer parks and showed up in droves to see my movie and they loved it. They loved it so much that Dimension films wanted -no begged- me to do a follow up. HA! Suck it Ebert!
I think I'll do a re-reboot of the Batman franchise next. I mean I know people slobbered all over that Nolan guy's balls for his Batmans, but let's not kid ourselves here; the man is no genius. And I've already got the most geniusest idea for my re-reimaginings. Instead of Bruce Wayne being some spoiled rich kid who's parents get murdered by a thief I'm gonna have him born in a trailer park, the son of an abusive stepdad who dresses up like a clown and makes little Bruce dress up like a Bat while he does things to him. This is a way cooler origin story than those other stupid movies and comic books. Sheri can even play Cat Lady or Poison Oak or whatever her name is. Oh and I won't spoil it for you but there'll be a way cool suprise when people find out who The Joker REALLY is! And there'll be a scene where he stabs this hot topless stripper like, A THOUSAND TIMES! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND....ahem.
And if those mpaa faggots have a problem with it, they can suck on my big genius!
The Zombie hath spoken.
Hamlin Grade: .5
Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey
November 11, 2009
REVIEW: Command Performance
Die Hard at a rock concert directed by Dolph Lundgren. How could I say No?
Dolph Lundgren stars as Joe, an ex-biker in a shitty rock band who ends up having to save The Russian President from a Jason Statham look-a-like. Meanwhile The Dolphster kills a guy with a drum stick and an electric guitar and is squeamish about guns for ridiculous reasons until finally being convinced that bringing a guitar to a gun fight is a dumb idea. With Dolph as an ass-kicking biker/drummer we are supposed to believe that Dolph can somehow save the day and that Venus played by Melissa Smith of the Pussycat Dolls (!) In other words it's what you would expect from your premise, and it certainly is the wackiest Die Hard rip off since Sudden Death.
That said, Dolph looks uncannily like Kris Kristofferson in his older age especially when he winks at the pussycat doll and puts a mack on the little philly. After years of seeing our action stars turn into pussies, it was nice to see that Dolph could woo a pop princess young enough to be his daughter without even speaking a word. This is probably because high maintence babes need a bad boy prick to treat them like whores and if there's one thing we know about bikers and male rock stars is that they like to treat their women like whores. Indeed the finale finds The Pussycat Doll putting her head on Dolph's shoulder, and we just know Dolph is but two minutes from receiving a blow job from the pussycat doll lead singer. It's even more telling in how aiding Dolph in battle she shoots one guy in the whole film, who was already wounded. But she's a woman so what do you expect?
This also marks the debut of Dolph Lundgren's daughter, and she's about as good as Jean-Claude Van Damme's son was in Derailed. Which is to say not very. Indeed the next Universal Soldier movie which brings back Van Damme and Dolph has JCVD's son. Which kinda pisses me off. It's sort of like how cool Ozzy Osbourne was before his damn family got on our nerves. We like Ozzy but not his family. Ergo we like Van Damme and Dolph, because they kick people's asses, however we do not want to see their sons or daughters in roles that could've gone to someone better (or worse) for both Van Damme and Dolph earned our love (and attraction) and by no means will we accept their offspring just because of who they're related to. You don't see fan clubs for Mike Norris or Chad McQueen do you?
Anyway Command Performance, it's a great bad movie, and worth seeing merely for the most hilarious death scenes in a while. I mean not since Van Damme used a turkey bone to kill, has there been a more enjoyable Die Hard rip off. Indeed, if only Eric Roberts had played the villain like he was supposed, then this would've been a classic for the ages. Now it's just worth seeing as a hilarious portrayal of Dolph Lundgren and his effortless attempts to sodomize Pussycat doll singers. Personally, I think there's a movie right there.
Hamlin Grade: 7.5
Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer
October 20, 2009
REVIEW: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus
Oh I have been waiting to stick my tentacle into this one. "This one" being Deborah "Debbie" Gibson and/or the ill conceived sci/fi disaster that is Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus.
Word to the wise: any time you see "The Asylum presents" during a film's opening title sequence, settle in and know that what you are about to behold will be nothing short of a masterpiece in cinema suckage. MSVGO doesn't dissapoint! in the suckage department anyhow. Now since the title might be a little cryptic let me take a moment to explain that this movie continues the tried and true scifi/horror formula of pitting two traditionally bloodthirsty creatures against one another in deadly combat. In this case fin on tentacle combat. Sounds fun right?
The action kicks off in arctic waters with a miniature submarine appearing "out of the blue" piloted by (who else?) Deborah "Debbie" Gibson, looking pretty hot for her age and taking in the majesty of the aquatic life surrounding her; apparently from the cheap stock footage inserted here the arctic contains about every species of marine animal known to man, and a couple that have been....forgotten. DUH! DUH! DUH! Debbie notices a herd of humpback whales making a beeline past the minisub and - wouldn't you know it! - the goddamned military is at it again! bombing glaciers for some reason which will never be explained to us. Unfortunately for them (but fortunately for us, otherwise this gem wouldn't exist) their folly releases two slumbering behemoths in the form of - that's right - a giant great white shark (known to scientists as megaladon) and a huge octopus (pussus magnus) Somehow the two titans had managed to get themselves trapped in ice back in the day during an epic battle and once awakened decide to part company for a while and wreak a little havoc upon humanity while gearing up for the rematch.
An oil rig off the coast of Japan is attacked by our massively tentacled friend and our strikingly Japanese male lead - the intrepid Dr. Seiji (played by some guy named Vic Chao) - is brought in to find out what's what. Upon learning of the hideous monstrosity lurking in the Pacific Dr. Seiji decides to pay a visit to San Francisco where it seems other paranormal happenings are afoot. DUH! DUH! DUH! Could it be the work of the same monster? (of course not dickhead. i already told you there were two monsters in this movie, not one and anyway what Emma MacNeil/ Debbie Gibson found while digging inside that bloated whale carcass was tooth, not tentacle) Oh yeah i forgot to mention that part. A giant whale carcass washes up on the California coast and after some clever subterfuge involving a token black cop, Ms. MacNeil retrieves what she learns to be a fragment of a megaladon tooth from it's bloated corpse. She learns this after taking said fragment to her old professor and former U.S. Navy pilot Lamar Sanders (played by some guy named Sean Taylor who's fake Scottish accent makes Brad Pitt's fake Austrian accent from Seven Years in Tibet look Oscar-worthy) The three scientist quickly discover that there are in fact two sea beasts and that we're all in deep shit if they don't act quickly because apparently the U.S. military possesses the technology to vaporize islands, but as for giant marine animals? not so much. Oh I almost forgot to mention that Lorenzo Lamas plays the stereotypical uber government jackass who bitches and cojoles Debbie and co. into saving the world. You would've thought he could've gotten the lead opposite Miss Gibson. I guess he wasn't Japanese enough.
So it's up to our trio of scientists to come up with some solution to the connundrum that is Mega Shark and Giant Octopus. As is often the case with these dilemmas the answer is delivered to our heroes after coitus. Two of our heroes make the Megabeast with two backs (the Scot gets left out) and in the musky afterglow of their love the idea for luring the creatures to strategic spots using pheromones comes to Emma/Debbie. Unfortunately we're left with no shots of the deed itself which would have greatly enhanced this pictures Hamlin rating. Nary a tit nor an asscheek to be seen. We don't even get Van Damned by the Japanese guy. For some reason San Fransisco Bay is chosen as the Giant Sharks trap which doesn't turn out too well for the Golden Gate bridge. Some strategy huh? As for the Octopus and the Japanese, the film mercifully leaves them to focus on Debbie and the Shark.
To make a long story short it eventually occurs to Emma to lure the creatures back into the conflict they were frozen in at the beginning of the movie. The ensuing fight and special effects would've made Ed Wood shoot his wad. Who will win? Who will lose? Can you guess? Yep that's right. They both kill each other. Apparently. I've yet to discern the actual death moves that bring about this dissapointing result. So the movie gives us the dissapointing yet typical-both monsters kill each other off sparing the rest of the world-climax.
What a cop out. No winner. No naked Debbie Gibson. This movie should've ended with the Lorenzo, Debbie, the Jap, and the Giant Octopus all locked in a human/cephalopod orgy (imagine the possibilities) of victory with the Scot watching, an ending which not only would've jacked this movie's Hamlin rating through the roof but would also have made it the greatest movie of all time. For these crimes a Hamlin shall be deducted.
But hark! In what could be the greatest irony of all time the film literally and figuratively "jumps the shark" in a spectacularly conceived and disastrously executed sequence where the Shark launches itself from the ocean to devour a passing 747. (The visual effects are Playstation 2 at best) So for this feat I shall award an extra Hamlin and a half.
Hamlin Grade: 8.5
Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey
October 12, 2009
REVIEW: Valkyrie
Valkyrie is the true story of a group of Nazi assholes who attempt to take down the supreme Nazi asshole Hitler himself.
Much like the plan, Operation Valkyrie, the film Valkyrie failed miserably.
First allow me to get something off my chest... aside from the giant corn riddled turd I requested be curled there by the $5 whore I picked up behind the Javitz Center. I'm tired of the phrase that seems to preface many of today's Hollywood wannabe epics... 'Based upon a true story'. Perhaps, one time this tag line held some credibility, but now it serves to add undeserved value to films that have little to none. If the true story that a film is based on sucks a bag a smashed monkey balls, then won't that same film suck that same rotting package of simian genitals? The answer my friends is clearly fucking yes.
Unless you are retarded, failed history, a holocaust denier, or all of the above it's hard to watch a movie about the plan to kill Hitler when we all know it already failed. I mean seriously, this is like watching a Sharon Stone movie and not seeing her vagina (not that anyone would want to bear witness to that dried up boot heel these days).
The biggest misconception I had about Valkyrie prior to viewing it was that I thought Tom Cruise played an American spy who infiltrated the German ranks in an effort to kill Hitler. Why would I think this? Because Tom Cruise made no attempt whatsoever to play his character with even the slightest hint of a German accent. Blame cannot be reserved for Cruise alone however, because every actor in this cast put forth the same lack attention of detail, in fact most used their natural British accents including the douche who played Hitler. Perhaps the director was trying to say something about the English and Americans? Or perhaps the director just sucked. I'm leaning heavily towards the latter.
Valkyrie opens in Northern Africa with Tom Cruise portraying a Nazi douche named Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, who is chronicling his disappointment with the German army and their lack of honor. While trying to persuade other officers who he believes are also unhappy with Hitler and his fascist outlook, Stauffenberg is injured by an American air-raid. Actually, injured is a massive understatement, he is fucked up. Stauffenberg loses a hand, and eye and two fingers.
After donning an eye patch (which for the record is a really cool look... and it can even turn a man who prefers alternative lifestyles like Cruise into an instant bad-ass) Stauffenberg continues his campaign to take down Hitler and is eventually welcomed within a secret inner circle of anti-Nazi's that consisted of politicians and high ranking military... however they were nothing more than a collection of pussies who lacked the balls to act.
In any case, they spend more than half the movie formulating a plan based on Operation: Valkyrie, which was a fail-safe put in place if the Fuhrer was to ever be killed... essentially dictating that the reserve army would take control of the capital and make sure his policies were carried forward. Then like most managers who spend endless hours talking rather then doing attempt to execute their plan, and fail at just about every phase of it. Let's break it down:
- Hitler was to be killed with the use of a plastic explosive device planted within a briefcase, during a meeting in his bunker. Also the Fuhrer was to be assassinated only if his second in command, Dr. Joseph Goebbels was in attendance at the aforementioned meeting.
- As soon as the word was received that Hitler was killed, the new Operation:Valkyrie was to be put into effect... immediately.
- The new political regime would take control of Berlin, and Germany through the use of Hitler's reserve army by arresting all of the high ranking SS and restore the honor of their country... and more than likely begin sucking some major Allied ass to avoid being executed.
Easy as 1, 2, 3, right? Sure, if you weren't an incompetent collection of assholes. Firstly, Hitler's meeting wasn't held in his bunker, which probably should have called for an immediate abort. The reason the bunker was essential was that it was a concrete structure several feet thick that would have contained the initial blast, and essentially amplified it, thereby incinerating the occupants within. So the meeting is moved to his cottage outside the bunker. ABORT!!! Oh and wouldn't you know it, Dr. Joseph Goebbels isn't at this meeting. ABORT!!!! ABORT!!!! Now why is this so important? Dr. Goebbels is such a major league douchebag, that he actually makes Hitler look like a nice guy... what's more, is that the man was supposedly intelligent and would have run the German army much more efficiently... perhaps one of the reasons Hitler was never assassinated was because everyone knew he was retarted? So Stauffenberg, ignores the advice of his associates and goes for it anyway... and manages to blow up a table (one of those giant Jesus looking things that could probably deflect a nuke... fortunately for the Fuhrer, Stauffenberg's explosives were placed underneath this giant forcefield of oak).
In any case, Stauffenberg assumes that he has killed Hitler,and thus calls Berlin and tells his cohort General Friedrich Olbricht to initiate the plan. Olbricht, giant vagina that he is, does not act for another three hours... in fact Operation:Valkyrie does not begin until Stauffenberg returns to Berlin. However the lack of action allows Hitler to reveal to his subordinates and eventually the German people that he his very much alive and that Tom Cruise is gay.
The coup lasts a few hours, but is eventually put down, and the entire gang is rounded up and executed. I couldn't believe it! Operation: Valkyrie didn't succeed? You mean Hitler wasn't killed? Oh yeah I read that in my fuckin' 3rd grade Social Studies book (under the tutelage of the very lovely Mrs. Filose).
Again, my 'based on a true story' theory is holding a lot of water (consisting of mostly raw sewage and AIDs). Why would you make a movie about something that everyone clearly knows the ending of? Seriously, it's like watching the Crying Game and being shocked that there's a cock swinging between that thing's legs... unless you are English and hoping for said cock. Here's a list of some other great movie ideas that I have... and of course they are all 'based on true stories:
John and Jacqueline go to Dallas
Dinner with OJ
Take Two and Call Me in the Morning - The Michael Jackson story
Taking the Falkland Islands
The Hindenburg
Micky Mantle - My Liver. My Enemy.
I think I could go on forever... although it would be funny to watch the Brits kick the shit out of the Argentinians (the Argentine army still uses the blow gun) for 2 hours (3.5 hours if Costner directs it), I think we all get the point. If you are looking for shitty movie based on a true story... Valkyrie is your film! If you are looking for excitement, drama, and unpredictability... go elsewhere my friends. Go elsewhere.
Hamlin Grade: 3
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
October 08, 2009
REVIEW: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
After watching D-Wars: Dragon Wars I thought I'd seen the most expensive turd the film industry had to offer...
and then along came Michael Bay and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
Not only does Bay manage to churn out the biggest waste of money and time in the history of cinema with this film, he once again accomplishes the utter desecration of yet another beloved franchise. Michael Bay is not satisfied with simply raping your childhood. He seeks to inflict puncture wound after puncture wound with the sole intent of savagely violating the highest amount of orifices (orifi?) possible in one sitting. Not since Ronald Reagan has a man done so much damage with so large a budget. (not counting Bush. It's too soon... Actually, no it isn't.)
To be honest, I've blocked so much of this film from my memory that I really don't recall exactly how it begins. Some nonsense involving Transformers and natives. Soon enough we are plunged into our first action sequence and it doesn't take long to realize that not only has the visual incoherence that the first film was criticized for not been remedied. It's actually been ramped up about eleven notches. Optimus Prime gets in a fight with a Decepticon that resembles some kind of giant mechanical doughnut (I mean, what the fuck is this thing?) - and who informs him that "The Fallen will rise again..." right before Optimus caps him. Ominous right?
Enter our human hero Sam Witwicky who, not content to stay home and stick his dick in the ultimate piece that is Megan Fox, decides to head off to college because as we all know a sound education is the bedrock of a successful adult life. I mean, don't get me wrong, riding around in a brand-spankin' new Camaro that turns into a giant robot ready to do your bidding at any given time is alright if you want to just coast in life...anyway Sam goes to college. His mother eats some hash brownies. Megan Fox walks in on him just as he is about to be pleasured by some other babe (who turns out to be a robot in disguise) Oh, and he also picks up an annoying, hallucinogenic tic that causes him to draw mysterious symbols on chalkboards, his dorm room, the ground, etc.
Somewhere along the way Megatron gets revived, shoots off into space and we learn that he actually answers to a robot superior known as "The Fallen." There's another big battle scene where Optimus takes on two or three or four Decepticons at once and (spoiler alert) dies. At this point in the budget approximately two or three third world country's could've been delivered from famine.
The death of Optimus Prime makes it possible for The Fallen to return to earth since he is a member of the Prime family and, for some feebly explained reason, only a Prime can kill him. Too bad for earth since The Fallen intends to use some device called the Sun Harvester to blow up the sun and hence the entire solar system. Why The Fallen wants do to this is unclear to me, sinse ostensibly he would be condemning himself to destruction as well. But hey, this is a Michael Bay movie so lets cut the film some slack when it comes to things like character motivation, plot points, or anything else that typically constitute a good movie.
As offensive as the plot to this abomination is, old Mikey caps it off with two of the most racially offensive characters since those crows from Dumbo. Two twin transformers with buck teeth and uber urban dialects. Stay classy Michael. Add to this ridiculousness a transformer who is so old he actually has to use a cane to walk about. That's right. A robot. With a walking cane. What the fuck?
Optimus is revived in the climax (of course) as is Sam, who at this point I was kind of rooting to be crushed by one of the numerous insignificant giant robots tramping around destroying pyramids and such. After destroying the Sun Harvester Optimus simultaneously whips both Megatron and The Fallen's metal asses. He kills the latter and tada! We're saved...until next time.
Are you kidding me? I could shit a better movie than this. In fact I have. For reference, see my last shit.
My advice for anyone intending to experience Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - just fast forward to the scene of Megan Fox wearing extremely short denim cutoffs resting in a hot doggy position atop a suped-up hog (that's a motorcycle.) Press pause. Masturbate repeatedly. If need be you can lubricate yourself with your own tears as you consider the hideous reality that Michael Bay is still allowed to make films. In fact a third Transformers is already slated for release.
Bay must be stopped.
Hamlin Grade: 7
Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey
September 25, 2009
REVIEW: Transporter 3
Jason Statham is probably the greatest thing to come out of England since Cornwallis' surrender at Yorktown... even though that pussy-fag didn't have the package to do it himself.
Transporter 3 is similar to The Transporter and Transporter 2... in that it kicks 15 kinds of ass... literally. Jason Statham returns as the very cool, very ripped, and very fast driving Frank Martin and does just that... kick ass, and lot's of it.
Frank Martin, now retired from the delivery business is forced into doing one more job for a very bad man (Johnson- an American (rule of the bad movie here.... when in the United States, the most effective villains are from Europe, preferably of the former Eastern Bloc region... when in Europe... the opposite holds true... the villain should be played by an American) who is trying to blackmail some French politician into changing his policies on garbage dumping in his country. Johnson has kidnapped the politicians daughter, an overly clubby looking Ukrainian chick and tossed her into an Audi being manned by the aforementioned Frank Martin, and through his GPS system keeps the pair in transit for most of the movie. Stir in a variety of car chases, some overly mismatched fight scenes, Statham nekkid, a few explosions, random breasts, a knife fight on board a moving train finale and you have the foundation for an epic feature.
When it comes to car chases scenes... I have to give the nod to you Europeans. There is probably nothing cooler than watching an ultra-modern sedan tear ass through an aged country side peppered with 18th century architecture as it scares the shit pebbles out of a herd of sheep being shepherded by some out of time old fuck by the non-environmental caring engines that whine like an Englishman at the dentist. The audio that these smog rockets produces is outstanding ... it sounds like they never shift from first gear. The mechanical screams of these cars is constant fuck you to all of those 'green' planet, conservationist, dick-sucks who think we should all be driving tiny futuristic bubble cars powered by cooking oil and chicken cum.
Perhaps the greatest feature of Transporter 3 and really any Jason Statham movie is the fact that it caters to everyone. I know what you are thinking, "Pat you are so full of shit and you love the cock", and you would be totally wrong (unless it was a Saturday night, then you'd be half right). While watching this movie with my lady friend ( Fletch ), some 25 minutes, while in a car shop, Martin begins to size up his opposition in preparation for a little full contact action.... the opposition in question is of course a dozen or so assailants brandishing the full spectrum of available garage implements. At this point Fletch sighs, due to his disappointment of the unrealistic nature of the upcoming fight scene ( or perhaps in the unrealistic nature of his own deviant lifestyle?), but quickly changes his tune as the Transporter disrobes prior to battle, revealing layers of heavily chiseled muscles than have been appropriately man-scaped and well-oiled. Statham has mastered the art of 'time' versus 'need for pecs and abs' so that it is now a scientific formula. I myself, was so moved, I transported my penis from my pants into my hand so I could violently masturbate to his shirtless form as he dispatched this cadre of villains with a variety of unorthodox fighting moves.
Martin and his passenger (the Ukrainian chick) are imprisoned within the car, or rather a 50 perimeter surrounding it because they have been outfitted with bracelets that will detonate if the wearer exceeds the minimum safe distance. Which is pretty fucking cool, especially to the unlucky bastards who experience the beauty of this 24k Semtex jewelry. With that in mind, Martin must find a way to rescue this young woman (from her panties), while not leaving his car.
Imagine if you will, that James Bond was a heterosexual... and you would have Frank Martin in Transporter 3.
Hamlin Grade: 8
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
September 14, 2009
Fall of a legend
It is with great sadness that I must report the passing of Patrick Swayze.
Swayze is perhaps Bad Movie Knight's most beloved Hollywood actor and icon... and gay fantasy. Word's cannot express the sorrow we feel this evening.
With that allow us to leave you with a review of Swayze's legendary masterpiece.... Roadhouse.
Patrick you will be missed sir.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Pat
