REVIEW: No Retreat No Surrender
Until recently No Retreat No Surrender was the quintessential bad movie (till it was dethroned by Troll 2). No Retreat No Surrender, was the 1986 box office smash, that swept the Academy Awards, and propelled Jean Claude Van Damme to super-stardom. Actually, except for the year the film came out, everything in that previous sentence is total bullshit. This movie sucks. If anything, Van Damme, doesn't want you to see this movie. Why? Van Damme is painted all over the marketing of this disaster, full photo of him flexing magnificently on the cover, his name in lights everywhere and what's funny is he was in it for all of 5 minutes, had 3 lines, and fucked them all up. Nice work JC!
Now, when I say this movie sucks, please understand that this is a badge of honor that few movies wear here at Bad Movie Night.net. No Retreat No Surrender is a great bad movie. This is a piece of film history that clearly illustrates to aspiring actors and film makers 'what not to do'. As I said earlier, and as you can see No Retreat No Surrender is our 2nd highest rated Bad Movie.
The plot. HAHAHAH. No really. Okay. Jason (magnificently portrayed by Kurt McKinney) watches his father get his ass kicked by Jean Claude Van Damme in their own dojo. This apparently happens because of a not very well explained need for the mafia to take over dojos in the Los Angeles area. Thanks to the ass kicking, Jason and his family pack up all their belongings (which convenietly fit in a station wagon, and U-Haul trailer) and flee from persecution to the safety of Seattle.
Like a page torn from Karate Kid, Jason is immediately met with hardships as the new kid, brutally harassed by Dean (the highest ranking student of the 'evil' dojo) and Scott (some fat shit who stands around eating most of the movie, but is truly the anchor of this classic). Jason finds support from his retarded girlfriend Kelly (who he apparently had some relationship with prior to his trail of tears journey from L.A.) and his new best friend R.J. (the high flying, rapping, breakdancing, cassete player welded to his mongoose Michael Jackson wannabe).
After several beatings, Jason secures a vacant house (provided by the versatile R.J.) and discovers (much like the Karate Kid) that he has his own Mr. Miaggi. This in the form of the ghost of Bruce Lee. Appearing out of thin air, like Obi Wan, the ghost of Bruce Lee (referred to as Leedaga) trains and spectacularly kicks the shit out of Jason until he is forged into a weapon of extraordinary magnitude!
No Retreat No Surrender ends with the final showdown between Jason and the Russian (Van Damme) which takes place at a local gym (made to look like a real colliseum, but boy did they fall short). Again the mafia shows up (with an agenda that is still to be clarified, and don't expect resolution) and Jason must battle the odds! Can he win? Really at this point do you care? You should be well on your way through your 9th beer at this point and close to pissing yourself from laughter. I won't spoil the surprise ending.
This movie is brilliant on so many levels. It exemplifies the age old virtue that the only way to solve your problems is through violence. It's a valuable lesson, that is unfortunately not widely preached these days. So kids, if you have trouble at school, take karate, beat the shit out of few people, and everything will be just fine. Also, the fact that Van Damme out acted the entire cast with his 20 word mastery of the English language is a testament to his greatness. No Retreat No Surrender also gives you not one, not two, but three montages! Three!!! One love montage and two...count'm two training montages!! HOLY SHIT!! The first training montage is the one where he fails, and you'd probably have Carl Weathers screaming at you "Whats the matter with you!" and "There is no tomorrow!", but sadly our hero Jason, only has R.J.....who provides little to no inspiration.
No Retreat No Surrender is a must see. Here's a rundown:
Hamlin Grade : 9
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,