REVIEW: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon
There's a reason why this movie sits in the third position on our Top 5 Worst. Shark Attack 3: Megaladon brilliantly combines bad acting, no direction, a plot/story loosely pillaged from Jaws, bad acting, amazingly poor special effects, lots of tits and bad acting.
The story (i hate using this word when reviewing these movies) follows a security guard / coast guard / cop named Ben Carpenter, a paleonotologist named Cataline Stone, and an ex Navy Diver turned Submariner Chuck Rampart. This thespian triumvirate joins forces through a chain of events brought about by a cloud on the horizon....a cloud in the shape of a great white shark (actually its a prehistoric shark known as Megalodon...man that was a weak opening).
Ben, while on patrol with his partner Sy (portrayed as a native Mexican based purely on 20 year old stereotypes) decide to dive for some lobsters...Ben discovers a Trans-Pacific cable (Jaws 2), that has been damaged....by a shark! Ben takes a shark tooth (no not the size of a shot glass) that he found embedded in the cable and puts a photo of it on the Shark Tooth database (where I'm sure Fletch's friend who says sharks do like cold water spends all of his free time...dick).
Enter Cataline Stone...paleontologist, and total babe,(after about 12 beers and a shovel to the head) Cat recognizes that the tooth is not from a great white, but rather from a shark that has been extinct since the time of the Dinosaurs. After a brief meeting with Ben, she confirms her suspicions and heads out to sea to tag the creature along with her dipshit crew.....a camera man who loves denim, and shark tagging expert who enjoys staring at Cat's ass. So many sequences are ripped directly from Jaws I don't know why they didn't just tape the movie and put a new cover on it. You will love the way they seamlessly meld the stock footage of sharks with the assholes on the boat.
My favorite character in the movie, is submarine driver Chuck 'Fucking' Rampart. You will notice rapidly that he has a penchant for dividing words /phrases and cleverly inserting a 'fucking' for dramatic effect (i.e. bull 'fucking' shit, and abso 'fucking' lutely). Chuck realizes that there is a conspiracy going on with the underwater cable. Filled with fiberoptics, when not properly insulated the electric current will be so strong that it will attract extinct prehistoric animals (so if it was sitting on land, it would be safe to assume a Tyrannosaurus Rex would show up). Chuck, man of action that he is goes straight to the man (head of Apex Corporation, and also one of several actors in this piece of crap that had accents so bad, they had to be dubbed by people with accents almost as bad) and throws a barrage of swear words at him before being tossed by security. Chuck also has a totally cherry office, complete with photos of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney (probably the worst actors in this film) hanging behind his desk.
Cat and Ben meanwhile team up to stop the Megalodon, which we discover is a baby (see Jaws 3) tipping the scales at meager 15 feet long. What follows would either make Speilberg cry, or Benchley rise from the dead, as the shark hits the hull of the boat, causing rivets to pop which begin flooding the ship. The shark even crashes through the side of the boat, and attacks Cat and Ben in the cabin (see Jaws). Cat manages to subdue the creature with an 'Ah-Nuld' type catch phrase....and their is joy.....or is there? Babies come from mothers don't they....so if this shark is the baby....then where is the mother (Jaws 3)?
Now normally I would continue and tell you what comes next, but this movie is like the Matrix....you have to experience it for yourself. My literary talents (or lack thereof) are powerless to accurately describe the visuals, special effects and dialogue to come. Speaking of dialogue.....one of the greatest lines ever in a bad movie is nestled somewhere within this beauty....you will know it when you hear it, and hear it you will. I'm loath to spoil this one for you, because it is pickup line that describes an act of such profanity, that decorum prohibits listing it here. Faithfully submitted, one Douglas C. Neidermayer, Seargent at Arms.
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon delivers like a prune juice cocktail, with a Metamucil chaser.....smooooth. Enjoy!
Hamlin Grade: 8
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Comments
I'd like to point out some misleading facts Mr. Pat has posted. If he thinks this movie has lots of tits I weep for his marrage and I don't use the word weep lightly! Don't worry fellas you do see a few but more is always better especialy with this travisty of movie making. Another point I would like to correct my colleague on is the pickup line of which he calls profane. This brillant line is as right as rain and I'm sure you will find usefull to spark that romantic encounter you are seeking!
Fletch is a killing word!
Posted by: Fletch | April 20, 2006 11:01 PM
Fletch, Fletch, Fletch...have you ever seen a breast? If it wasn't for this film, the answer would probably be no. Right now, I imagine you are in your apartment, alone again, sitting in an unfurnished room naked, surrounded by feces....and most certainly crying.
In the immortal words of Sensei John Kreese of the Cobra Kai..."FINISH HIM!"
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Posted by: pat | April 21, 2006 12:11 AM
Patrick, you know me so well. Although I'm not sure why I would be surrounded by feces I am indeed naked. For the record, I don't cry, I weep! "Sweep the leg!"
Fletch is a killing word!
Posted by: Fletch | April 21, 2006 09:40 AM
"fletch's friend" here, I was miss quoted in the above review...
I never said that sharks like cold water... I said that great whites like cold water! And yes, I am an expert-
You should review "Tentacles" from the late 70's or early 80's-
Posted by: Chris Dunbar | April 21, 2006 01:42 PM
Chris....know this....Fletch is a moron....and is indeed surrounded by feces.
Thanks for the recommendation, we will look into it!
pat
Posted by: pat | April 21, 2006 03:37 PM
Chris, you know this not to be true and yes, Pat has no dick!
Posted by: Fletch | April 22, 2006 04:41 PM
Awesome blog. Peace out until next time TabathaOster
Posted by: TabathaOster | May 18, 2006 11:34 AM
Hi there,
This is Fletch's aquatic friend Chris' wife. You have to review The Boogens!
Posted by: Julie Dunbar | May 29, 2006 02:22 PM
may I recommend "Orca: Killer whale" for you? This is another wonderful wonderful film about sea creatures. Just brilliant. :P
Posted by: sunny | December 7, 2006 02:47 AM
I watched this movie 'cause I love John Barrowman. "The line" Was an adlib that wasn't meant to be in the movie BTW. It was kept in against Barrowman's knowledge.
Oh and it had the oddly predictive TARDISubmarine!
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